I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
