Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
