She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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