For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
