He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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