Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
