I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize