just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
