I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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