So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
