I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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