She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
