I accidentally had phone sex last night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
