There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
