I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I smell like Dick and happiness
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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