I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
