Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
