i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
