I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
