Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
