He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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