I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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