Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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