My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
