$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
