my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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