smell my finger.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
