she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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