I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
