I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize