Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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