Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
