This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
babies were throwing up all over the place
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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