Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
