I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm both gender and math confused
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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