we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
