I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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