Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
