Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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