Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
