They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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