I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
