M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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