i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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