I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
