Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
