If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
