Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
