soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
