from now on my penis is your penis
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
