She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
