you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
