I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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