Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
