the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
