Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
