You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
