dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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