One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
