I'll bet she douches with gravy.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
