if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize