The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
