You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize