today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
