she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my shit smells like andre
no you cant smoke seaweed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
