i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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