We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
