70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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