I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
