I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
