how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
this hospital has no fireball
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
