Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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